Bible Science... |
That AHA Moment in my Marriage (continued...) |
MissFranJanSan |
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(continued...) Did my husband do the same to me? Just as I'm sure there are untold numbers of women who don't ever do this kind of thing to their husbands, I'm sure there are men who do it to their wives too. But I don't think of it as a typical male characteristic. As I sat and thought about it, I realized my husband didn't display the same behavior toward me. I even thought about some of the times I really did make mistakes. The time I backed into the gate and scratched the car. He never said a word about it. The time I was making dinner, got distracted by a call from my mom, and burned it to cinders! He just said, "We can just order a pizza." The time I tried to put the new patio furniture together and left his good tools out in the rain. "Accidents happen," was his only response. I shuddered to think what I would have said had the shoe been on the other foot and he'd made those mistakes. So is he just a better person than me? Why doesn't he bite my head off when I don't do things the way he likes? I'd be a fool to think it doesn't happen. And yet I don't remember him ever calling me out on it. It doesn't seem he's as intent on changing the way I do things. But why? Maybe I should take what he's always said at face value. The fact that these little things "really don't matter that much to him" is not a sign that he's lazy, or that he's incapable of learning, or that he just doesn't give a darn about what I want. Maybe to him, the small details are not that important in his mind - and justifiably so. They're not the kinds of things to start fights over. They're not the kinds of things he needs to change about me. It certainly doesn't make him dumb or inept. He's just not as concerned with some of the minutia as I am. And it's why he doesn't freak out when he's on the other side of the fence. The bottom line in all this is that I chose this man as my partner. He's not my servant. He's not my employee. He's not my child. I didn't think he was stupid when I married him - otherwise I wouldn't have. He doesn't need to be reprimanded by me because I don't like the way he does some things. When I got to that point mentally, it then made me start thinking about all the good things about him.
Even more, not only does he refrain from giving me grief when I make mistakes or do things differently than him, he's always been very agreeable to my way of doing things. And for the most part, if he notices I prefer to do something a certain way, he tries to remember it in the future. Instead of focusing on those wonderful things, I just harped on the negative. And again, I know I'm not alone in this. If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean "do things differently than us"), then eventually they're going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they'll actually come to believe those labels are true. In my case it's my husband of 12+ years I'm talking about. The same man who thanklessly changed my car tire in the rain. The guy who taught our kids to ride bikes. The person who stayed with me at the hospital all night when my mom was sick. The man who has always worked hard to make a decent living and support his family. He knows how to change the oil in the car. He can re-install my computer's operating system. He lifts things for me that are too heavy and opens stuck jar lids. He shovels the sidewalk. He can put up a ceiling fan. He fixes the toilet when it won't stop running. I can't (or don't) do any of those things. And yet I give him grief about a dish out of place. He's a good man who does a lot for me, and doesn't deserve to be harassed over little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things. |
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